I grew up with a toxic, emotionally abusive, selfishly dependent mother who is in AA/NA and turned to Jesus in the last 10 years. Never encouraged me through HS, College, or my work life. Never once made an effort to get to know my wife. Everything was always about her or what I never did for her. Always my fault.
Fast forward through years of BS and guilt for my deciding to live my life and not coddle her anymore.
After my wedding last June where I made the choice to dance with my stepmother first (because she was the one who raised me and kicked my butt into shape along with my dad) I then secondly danced with my mother, it was the last straw for me when my mother once again RAN OFF crying, leaving me up there alone and embarrassed as the DJ called her to dance, at my wedding. Eventually she came back after 5 awkward minutes of crying in the corner (as I stare into the eyes of my mortified friends and family). She complained to me the entire time during the dance about how much I hurt her. I then find out later on she tells my brother he is “her favorite son.” So again, all about her. Way to make my brother feel pretty upset, too. Even he wants nothing to do with her.
I called things off with her shortly after the wedding and told her I never wanted to see her again. I had been fed up with the years of abuse and guilt from that woman. She still does not understand why I don’t want to have anything to do with her. She thinks it’s was the comment she made about my brother being her favorite son. Does not understand everything else and the thousands of horrible memories I have of her hurting me.
I have had my aunt intervene trying to get me to talk to her, but I refuse. It’s been about 10 months now and I feel very good most days and proud of the steps I have taken with my life without her stepping in with her BS to screw it up. Things are good. I can concentrate on my life with my wife and my work. Closing on a new home. Ready for a great summer. But just as things are great…
Grandma is in the hospital and I’m guessing is not going to make it very long.
I now feel as if I must look at my mother and the rest of her side of the family that does not really support what I do with my life (even though I accept who they are). My immediate cousins are cool, but really nobody else gives a care about me and they don’t talk to me.
I’m very torn on what to do, how to think about this situation with the impending funeral and what I should even do. I’ve made tremendous progress in my personal life. I know either way, if I go people will look at me like “What the F is he doing here?” and if I don’t go people will say “Why the F did he not show up?”
Potentially, my being at the funeral may even start a scene with my mother (not by my hand, but out of her insane insecurities with me). My aunt basically asked me to not show up to thanksgiving so there would not be a scene if that tells you anything. It’s just pure awkwardness.
I’m not being paranoid. It’s how things are. I’ve been the black sheep of the family because I actually have goals, am successful and don’t want to be a part of that small town narrow minded mentality and buried in Jesus scripture with no real world view. The last funeral I went to for this side of the family, I found out that grandmother gave EVERY KID (2nd, 3rd nephews, cousins, even my direct cousins who in relation to her, were the same as my brother and I) college tuition. Lots of it too. Even to those who did not go to college. They all got tuition and were so thankful for it in the eulogy. My brother and I looked at one another like, “Who the F are we?” because we never got a freaking dime. Not that we expected it, but that’s what we meant to this side.
I know what I’m going to do in this situation. What would you do?