It does not seem appropriate to avoid the funeral. You have to be a gentleman, to respect your grandmother and show her your respects and so forth.
However to open yourself up over and over again to someone who hurts you is torturous and pointless. The reason this is so difficult is because it is your mother and in that sense you will never be able to totally become like steel towards her.
You have to kind of strengthen against her defects and negativity though. She seems to be a record player, so you know what to expect. Go to the funeral hoping the best, do not be surprised when she behaves the way she does. Anyone who knows your family will know what she is like so you need not feel embarrassed. Anyone who doesn’t will get to know your family a little better.
I mean you should be able to do that without getting personally involved. If your mother feels that she needs to go over her psychological song every time she sees you, let her enjoy her misery. It serves as a good test for you, to see if you’ve truly moved on or if you’re just saying you are. How you behave at this point is critical. “Don’t be like that mom”. Just be sweet and patient with her, thus by doing so you become a good son.
Regardless, you have to meet your duties as a man. Which is, attending funerals, social functions where your presence is expected, etc… a bad relationship with an individual, no matter whom it may be, does not excuse the gentleman from such functions, unfortunately.
A response from the original author:
I think I would be able to say my goodbyes and be cordial with everyone, aside from my mother. But I still truly feel people will try to get me to talk to her, or be very awkward toward me. In which this is the case, I am forced to leave.
My mother has told that entire side of the family complete lies about me to pamper her feelings of resentment toward me. So I know looking at all of them, none of them know the true story of what happened to my brother and I and why we have distanced ourselves the way we have. I want to write a full page editorial in the newspaper in their town to expose everyone to the truth.
I’m of the opinion I am there (the funeral) to support everyone there who is grieving and accept the loss that has happened. To remember her life in the most positive way I can. Then move on with life after I say goodbye. But why would I be supporting people who have not been supportive of me or care about me? My grandma was really never there for me either.
As of now, she is not dead, but I know this day will come soon, and ultimately the day my mother dies. When that happens, I will be very torn on what to do. Even though I find myself owing nothing to her because of how much she has taken from me, the majority of people think I and my brother, are responsible. I keep telling myself i’ll let my aunt handle it. Who knows though.
These are just the thoughts roaming my brain at the moment. I know I am man enough to approach it and be at the wake. The burial, I don’t feel I am a part of that family anymore and I am not welcome.